In The Blink Of An Eye

Yesterday, I experienced the saying you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. I received my Brain MRI report and it stated I have a 9 x 5 mm hyperintense soft tissue mass within the posterior aspect of the left orbit.

My stomach instantly dropped as my eyes glanced over the word, ‘mass,’ in disbelief, I read it again and again. I was in shock. I’ve had symptoms for 4 months but never in my wildest dreams thought there would be a mass in my brain!

I have Chronic Degenerative Disc Disease which has rendered me disabled, having 5 major spinal surgery to date, I always thought this was the cause of all my new symptoms. Well I was wrong.

The word mass wasn’t the worst of this new revelation, it was the response I received. I know everyone wants to be positive and upbeat as they think it’s helpful. Or is it? Having had a lot of experience walking alone side many beautiful friends who received unexpected, terminal health diagnosis, I knew that all they wanted was not to feel alone; to feel safe in your presence and to be given the freedom to express their feelings without ridicule or judgment.

Hearing this news made me feel like I walked into that room filled with people but the lights had been turned off, it was pitch black and I couldn’t see anyone. Was I alone?

Yes I was for that moment, but quickly realised I’m never alone, I have my Heavenly Father who never leaves me.

It is a sobering thought to feel so alone and unsafe in a scary place. This place left me feeling as if I couldn’t express my concerns and thoughts as this new development would be an inconvenience to everyone.

I’m not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of feeling alone.

After having some time to process this news, I realise that this information was a shock to everyone, not just me. I had to remind myself to practice faithfulness, not only when it’s comfortable or convenience, but to be faithful in all circumstances. This helped remind me I’m not alone.

Don’t try and fix the issue, listen, empathise and love that person with all your heart, help them feel safe to express their darkest fears in your presence, this is the answer to never feeling alone in a crowed room.

Christine Bunn

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