FROM THE INSIDE, LOOKING OUT From the Inside, Looking Out

'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Inall ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.'Proverbs 3:5-6'A Travelled Life, Finding God's Purpose,' was the first book that I wrote. I had noidea 12 years ago, that this title would continue to be my reality, with many twistsand turns.For anyone struggling with not being able to completely trust and surrender toGod with the small, medium or big things in your life; you're not alone. I am aboutto take you on a journey that will take you to a place you may not have been tobefore. Allow God to enter into this place and release you from whatever isholding you back from your blessings.I believed, from when I was a litie girl. God blessed me with the gift of faith. Myfaith never wavered, I never worried about money, health, death, my weight,tooks, clothes, feelings of inadequacy, or any issues most of u s struggle with. Iwas confident in myself and who I was in God, or at least I thought I was!My faith did eventually waver at the age of 46. It all changed when I startedsuffering back and sciatic pain 3 years ago. This followed with 1 failed backsurgery which closely followed by another major back surgery then 2 moresurgeries due t o complications, finally ending up with a VAC pump in myabdomen for 6 weeks. After all of this physical and emotional trauma I haveended up in chronic debilitating pain, which has now been diagnosed as SevereCervical, Thoracic and Lumbar Degenerative Spinal Disease which has renderedme permanently disabled.This saw our family $30 000 out of pocket along with the loss of my ability towork and earn money. We were in real financial trouble. I cried out, 'God, myGod why have you abandoned me.?' I was in the dry, hot desert, unable to catchmy breath, wandering aimlessly, questioning why did this happen to me, yourgood and faithful servant. I was soangryat God. How could He let this happen,why would He allow this, why?'The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.' (Exodus 14:14 NKJV)'Be not afraid nor dismayed... for the battle is not yours, but God's.'This debilitating pain clipped my wings and dried up my thirst for God. I forgotwho I was and why I was created. I now realise that I defined myself by what Iwas able to achieve. Not for who I was; the daughter of the King, loved for who !am, not for what I do. My life, as I knew it was over How I defined myself wastaken away. I was lost and broken. I was stripped bare. I no longer could do thethings we all take for granted anymore; exercising, going out socialising, dancing,housework, driving, holidays, shopping. Normal everyday activities were takenaway from me just like that. No warning. I spent my days lying down, strugglingto walk around the house, trying to manage chronic back pain and migraines24/7 but, still hao tò care for three children and a husband. How was I going to bèable to live a life like this and still have purpose, joy and happiness? Who wouldlike me or want to be my friend if I wasn't able to help people the way I used to.How was I going to live the rest of my life? I was still so young! My life feltcompletely over. Many times I thought about overdosing with the collection ofdrugs I had accumulated through the course of my surgeries at attempted painrelief. This option felt much easier than living a life lost. It felt like a cruelpunishment for everything I had done wrong in my life. Was this theconsequence of my sins? Crippling debilitating pain and the nakedness I felt, mywholeness stolen from me? I knew if I took the easier option of killing myself itwould ruin my children's lives. Even though I couldn't be the mum they wereused to, I knew they would still want me as I am, alive.My pain has never been managed. As I am allergic to all drugs related tomanaging my pain. Therefore my pain relief is extremely limited, causing asnowball effect of complete despair, with no escape from the pain and no hopefor the future. As we were financially struggling we didn't have any money for meto seek alternative therapies to relieve my pain, or support which again limitedmy options. At this point I completely lost sight of God and who I really was andwhat my purpose in life was now. My faith was being challenged in so manyways. It was relentless. I have never felt so empty and alone before with noreason to live. "He gives strength to weary and increases the power of the weak"- Isaiah 40:29God spoke to me one day and clearly told me that He didn't do this to me, andthat He has agreatplan for my life. He said that He was and will always be withme, even in the dark hallways of my life, strengthening me, guiding me and mostof all loving me. God showered me with many blessings along this journey byproviding me with beautiful friends who regularly came and visit me at home.Bringing me meals, morning tea, and continually lifting my spirits, encouragingand loving me. Throughout this journey my faith has been turbulent with bouts ofincreased Faith and many episodes of doubt, anger and exhaustion. I wanted togive up, it was just too hard. The hardest thing I found, which blocked myblessings from God was my doubt in God's promise to provide. My relationshipwith God was broken, I didn't trust Him anymore and I didn't believe He lovedme. How could He? He had let this happen. I knew logically that this was a liefrom the enemy, as this is how the devil wins. He comes to kill, steal and destroyyour relationship with God. I actively had to make a hourly, sometimes by theminute choice to believe God, even though I didn't feel him or believe that Godwould rescue me. I made a deliberate choice to fill my days with listening toChristian music, the Hillsong channel, listening to prophetic teaching, searchingfor God and the answers everywhere I looked. I was still able to attend biblestudy once a week as it was at a friend's house, where I could lie down. This wassuch a blessing to be surrounded by like minded friends who loved me. I startedto hear from God again. It was shear relief. My heart soared! I felt filled with theHoly Spirit once again. I was able to still do God's work but it just looked different.During the time 1 didn't feel God's presence were the darkest times for me. Lifewithout God felt like being locked in an enclosed room with no way out and theabsence of air to fill my lungs. I was in a coffin suffocating. "Be strong andcourageous, Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your Godgoes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6Unfortunately, the good feelings only lasted when I was actively helping peopleas I used to. But it wasn't in a physical, practical way; it was in an emotionalspiritual way. So I started relating my happiness once again to being connectedto actively helping people. I begged God to show me someone else to help, as Ineeded to continue to feel I was doing something good. It was like a drug andpurpose without this. This was and still is a constant struggle for me. It wasn'tuntil I hit rock bottom again that I realised God was trying to teach me that Heloves me without good works. That I was needing to do this to behappy, thiswasn't what God wanted for me. I was so used to helping and serving others thatI thought that if I didn't do this anymore that somehow God didn'tloveme. Ineeded to accept that my days of service in this area were gone and I needed tofind my Joy and Peace in God alone, knowing that I don't need to do anything,literally nothing, for God toloveme. Being content andhappyeven when I liedown all day and achieve nothing. "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mightyone who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by hislove; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17I enjoyed the days God gave me revelations. One day, when I couldn't get out ofbed because the pain prevented me from walking, I was pondering my identity, orlack of. I realised in the stream of my tears that I was grieving the loss of myidentity. Who am I. I asked myself : Is my identity a disabled women with chronicpain? Is my identity a mother and wife even when I can't do either job wellanymore? Then I realised, my identity had never changed! I was a child of Godand that will never change! What a powerful realisation. My earthly identity ofmother, wife, friend, servant of God may have changed but it hasn't changed myGod given identity and values which come from God. I have to choose tocontinue to follow the values that I hold so close to m e a n d u s e them in adifferent way. I once thought that acts of service were the most important way Icould show mylovefor others and when I was able to do that, it was. Now that Ican't do that anymore, my values have shifted to what I can manage and believepeople really want and need from me, and those being; gratefulness, spirituality,love, kindness humour and time. Time being the most precious of the gifts, and Ihave a lot of it now. Come to me Jesus says, and I will give you peace. I can nowsay Come to me and through the grace of God I am here for you, to comfort andloveyou. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give yourest." Matthew 11:28.My God is SO BIG, SO STRONG and SO MIGHTY there's NOTHING My Godcannot do! THAT'S TRUE!!!!"Our financial advisor, advised me to apply for my Total Permanent DisabilityInsurance through my insurance. Since the application was lodged, 8 monthshave passed and I have fought with fear, anxiety and doubt and had no faith thatI would have this claim approved. My policy was one of the hardest policies toclaim, as it was Home duties. I had to meet a very strict criteria of the inability notto ever be able to return to work again in my chosen profession and then inabilityto perform 4 Home duties. I learnt something priceless today. Why wait forsomething you have been praying for before you write a testimony. Give yourtestimony in the midst of adversity. I received a letter from my insurancecompany today stating my claim is going to be denied unless I have furtherinformation dispute the findings. Well, this is not in my control, but how I reactand move forward is. The true testimony in this is I am a child of God, that is myidentify and NOTHING AND NOBODY is controlling that!"Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of any kind." James 1:2-4We appealed the Procedural Fairness letter with the view of my insurancecompany looking at declining my claim due to a very inaccurate OccupationalTherapist Home duties report. We had to wait a further 7 months to have anotherOT assess me. It has consumed my every thought. I became paranoid, thinking Iwas being followed. I was constantly talking and thinking about it, as the pay outwould change my quality of life. Instead of surrendering the process to God, I tookit on all by myself, causing myself increased anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessnights and lots of tears."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah29:11 (English Standard Version)Throughout his time my son Patrick never wavered from God's promise ofincrease, never!! Patrick would say, 'Mum don't worry God is and will provide foryou, he won't let you down.' He had no doubt at all. Patrick was my rock and mystrength through all of this. He keep me looking forward to a future that God hadfor me. His faith reminded me of the faith I once had. It encouraged me andinspired me everyday to take back what I had lost. 'fight the good fight of faith.' (1Timothy 6:12 KJV) I was lonely without my God's presence in my life. Eventhough I still felt him sometimes, I wasn't letting him completely into my life; justin case He let me down. The fear of God letting me down crippled my thoughts.Therefore, there was no room for God's truth. "But those who hope in the Lord willrenew their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles; they will run and not growweary, they will walk and not faint" - Isaiah 40:31l will make the most of thismoment li can still live a fruitful purpose filled life no matter what circumstance orseason I'm in. ( Timothy 11)Nick Vinicius says in his book 'Life without Limits,' that finding your purpose is thefirst important step to living a life without limits. Maintaining hope for the futureand faith in the possibilities even in difficult times will keep you moving towardsthat goal'Your attitude allows you to rise above your circumstances: the most powerfulbeing the attitude of gratitude, action, empathy and forgiveness.Reading Nicks wise words gave me a massive revelation. I knew the words andwhat they meant. Spoke about them, but I didn't really understand what Godmeant them to mean. You see, I didn't feelhappyunless I was helping others,as this was the identity I had created for myself. God spoke very clearly to meand said, " My child I don't need your help, I just want YOU!' He just wants me.Wow! The truth is my identity is in God alone. What a moment for me! I havefinally been set free! I know I have so much more to learn and surrender and thatis exciting for me as I want to get to a place in my life that I need nothing butJesus. Even if you feel you have nothing left, stop for a second, close your eyesand visualise God. He hasn't gone anywhere. You will see yourself sitting in hislap, safe and sound with Him gazing adoringly into your eyes. You will alwayshave God, as nothing can separate you from hislove, nothing!God w a s giving me so many daily signs along the way, proving hisloveandpromise to m e Continually reminding me that His word w a s truth and that He wasgoing to turn things around for me and my family. Even with these constantlovereminders I still felt like I was wandering around that wretched desert. When wasI going to set myself free from this torturous existence without God; my Poppa. Ineeded him. God was all I had. God was so patient with me and let me feel andexperience what I needed to, without any judgement or pressure. It has been along period of waiting, pruning, cleansing, so when the moment came I would beready to give my testimony of how ourgreatGod, who is ever present in our livesblessed me and my family with the small, medium and big things in our lives.Patrick witnessed to me on a regular basis, 'Don't worry mum God will provide!'He was right, God did. We were financially barren, emotional empty, physicallydisabled with chronic pain and God showed up. Through my doubt and fears Godwas right there beside me in the form of my son Patrick, encouraging me,speaking truth and covering me with his faith. Praise God!. "Don't let anyonelook down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers inspeech, in conduct, inlove, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12 My fearblocked my view. I was blinded to the truth that would set me free. I can now pin-point when my attitude shifted. It was when I was having a conversation aboutmy deteriorating health and situation and the comment was, ' The devil is incontrol of this world!' and I said, ' No he's not, God has already won the battleand He has no place in my house or my family.' I have said this statement amillion times before, but when I said it this time it felt and sounded different, Ireally believed it, I was saying NO!. That instant I felt an immediate shift in myattitude, and decided to take my control back. Praise God. The devil had lost hisgrip on me. The chains had been broken. "I have told you these things, so thatin Me you may have peace....take heart! I have overcome the world." (John16:33 NIV)My journey has taken many twists and turns; both positive and negative, but withGod at the helm of my journey, this travelled life has just begun. My eyes arewide open to the extent of God'sgreatBIG amazinglovefor me and all of us andthe true real power of His word has been gloriously shown. Al praise and glory toyou Poppa, my beautiful Daddy. You did it! I was not abandoned or forsaken, 1was never alone in the locked room suffocating. You held me high with thehighest of them all, You. I am who you say I am, I am a child of God."Your are aChild of God... You are wonderfully made, dearly loved, and precious in Hissight. Before God made you, He knew you there is no one else lie you." Psalm139If you are experiencing the same kind of doubt that I did, stop now and know it isa lie from the enemy. The enemy doesn't want you or I to have a relationship withGod. God's word is the only word that speaks truth, He loves you more than youcan imagine and He will give you your hearts desire. I know this because I haveexperienced His promise of provision, even in my cloud of fear and doubt. Don'twaver my brothers and sisters, let God be who you need Him to be in your livestoday. Surrender, let go of the controls. We aren't meant to be exhausted in ourbattles. Our battle is to believe and let God win it for us. He is eagerly waiting foryou to come to Him so that He can heal you from the inside out and abundantlybless you. Al you have to do is receive His free gift. Faith is having the courageto let God have complete control and let God shine in your life. "Surrender yourheart to God, turn to Him in prayer, and give up your sins, even those you do insecret Then you won't be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless." JobWhen I look back at my life, I realise that God knew the plan he had for me. Ibelieve God gave me a gift of service and Motherhood. I am extremely gratefulthat I was able to serve God in so many ways and help so many people in such ashort time. I was given the ability to be a stay- at- home Mum and raise my threebeautiful children and give them the best of me for 15 years. Knowing this, helpsme to trust that God knows my whole story, and that He has stored up theset r e a s u r e s to b l e s s me.I can confidently testify, that I know I won't be left curled up in ball of chronicpain, having no purpose or Joy in my life. I realised I was never really crippled,until I lost my hoped Fatih in God. "For I know the plans I have for you, declaresthe Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."Jeremiah 29:11 (English Standard Version)Through my journey, I have been abundantly blessed in so many ways. One ofthem being, the ability to spend quality time with my parents by myself to recoverand gain strength. This time with my parents has been priceless, I felt like I was ateenager again. We laughed and cried, this was such precious, healing timetogether, a true blessing from God in the midst of the storm. Knowing the truemeaning of friendship has also been one of my greatest joys. I feel like one of themost blessed women in the world to have the friends I do. My friends haveconstantly been by my side, holding my hand, wiping my tears, caring for me inany way that I have needed, and I have never had to ask. They have held me upwhen I couldn't stand, lay with me when I couldn't sit, feed me when I couldn'teat, prayed with me when I couldn't pray. I am so grateful for my precious,friendships. My steadfast, husband, who held our family together, never oncecomplained about our situation, worked tirelessly to make ends met and filled thehuge gap that was left due to my absence. My husband has been a visualexample of a Godly man for our children and to those who know andlovehim.The larger community who have supported me through this journey, those beingmy GP, Surgeon, psychologist and my Financial Advisor, family, who have allseen the worst and best of me. Without all these people in my life, I would not behere today. I hold my head up and praise our Heavenly Father. He may not giveus what we want, but He gives us what we need. "Seek first the kingdom of Godand his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."Matthew 6:33Looking from the inside out has shown me that we will never know whatsomeone may be going through. You may lookgreatfrom the outside, say all theright things, turn up, your Facebook post look amazing, but in the inside you arescreaming in pain. We are all disciples of God and we need to look further thanwhat we see. Let's dig deeper into relationship with each other and especiallymake our Gracious Heavenly Father who see's everything our BFF.God has not healed me physically. I am still in constant chronic pain and dailyhave to set my compass straight at God, so that my heart and my attitude point inthe right direction. God has healed me spiritually, I have finally stopped walkingaround the desert and now completely know and believe who i am. I will continueto try and be strong and courageous, focusing only on God for my strength andpeace; Committing my life in believing that God has an amazing plan for my lifeand yoursThe one thing I am certain of is this; that I am a child of God. And boy you'dbetter believe it, God takes that very seriously."Things never discovered or heard of before, things beyond our ability to imagine- these are the many things God has in store for all his lovers." 1 Corinthians 2:9(The Passion Translation)
Christine Bunn

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