From the Inside, Looking Out

From the Inside, Looking Out
Written by
Christine Bunn
'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In
all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.'
Proverbs 3:5-6
'A Travelled Life, Finding God's Purpose,' was the first book that I wrote. I had no
idea 12 years ago, that this title would continue to be my reality, with many twists
and turns.
For anyone struggling with not being able to completely trust and surrender to
God with the small, medium or big things in your life; you're not alone. I am about
to take you on a journey that will take you to a place you may not have been to
before. Allow God to enter into this place and release you from whatever is
holding you back from your blessings.
I believed, from when I was a litie girl. God blessed me with the gift of faith. My
faith never wavered, I never worried about money, health, death, my weight,
tooks, clothes, feelings of inadequacy, or any issues most of u s struggle with. I
was confident in myself and who I was in God, or at least I thought I was!
My faith did eventually waver at the age of 46. It all changed when I started
suffering back and sciatic pain 3 years ago. This followed with 1 failed back
surgery which closely followed by another major back surgery then 2 more
surgeries due t o complications, finally ending up with a VAC pump in my
abdomen for 6 weeks. After all of this physical and emotional trauma I have
ended up in chronic debilitating pain, which has now been diagnosed as Severe
Cervical, Thoracic and Lumbar Degenerative Spinal Disease which has rendered
me permanently disabled.
This saw our family $30 000 out of pocket along with the loss of my ability to
work and earn money. We were in real financial trouble. I cried out, 'God, my
God why have you abandoned me.?' I was in the dry, hot desert, unable to catch
my breath, wandering aimlessly, questioning why did this happen to me, your
good and faithful servant. I was so angry at God. How could He let this happen,
why would He allow this, why?
'The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.' (Exodus 14:14 NKJV)
'Be not afraid nor dismayed... for the battle is not yours, but God's.'
This debilitating pain clipped my wings and dried up my thirst for God. I forgot
who I was and why I was created. I now realise that I defined myself by what I
was able to achieve. Not for who I was; the daughter of the King, loved for who !
am, not for what I do. My life, as I knew it was over How I defined myself was
taken away. I was lost and broken. I was stripped bare. I no longer could do the
things we all take for granted anymore; exercising, going out socialising, dancing,
housework, driving, holidays, shopping. Normal everyday activities were taken
away from me just like that. No warning. I spent my days lying down, struggling
to walk around the house, trying to manage chronic back pain and migraines
24/7 but, still hao tò care for three children and a husband. How was I going to bè
able to live a life like this and still have purpose, joy and happiness? Who would
like me or want to be my friend if I wasn't able to help people the way I used to.
How was I going to live the rest of my life? I was still so young! My life felt
completely over. Many times I thought about overdosing with the collection of
drugs I had accumulated through the course of my surgeries at attempted pain
relief. This option felt much easier than living a life lost. It felt like a cruel
punishment for everything I had done wrong in my life. Was this the
consequence of my sins? Crippling debilitating pain and the nakedness I felt, my
wholeness stolen from me? I knew if I took the easier option of killing myself it
would ruin my children's lives. Even though I couldn't be the mum they were
used to, I knew they would still want me as I am, alive.
My pain has never been managed. As I am allergic to all drugs related to
managing my pain. Therefore my pain relief is extremely limited, causing a
snowball effect of complete despair, with no escape from the pain and no hope
for the future. As we were financially struggling we didn't have any money for me
to seek alternative therapies to relieve my pain, or support which again limited
my options. At this point I completely lost sight of God and who I really was and
what my purpose in life was now. My faith was being challenged in so many
ways. It was relentless. I have never felt so empty and alone before with no
reason to live. "He gives strength to weary and increases the power of the weak"
- Isaiah 40:29
God spoke to me one day and clearly told me that He didn't do this to me, and
that He has a great plan for my life. He said that He was and will always be with
me, even in the dark hallways of my life, strengthening me, guiding me and most
of all loving me. God showered me with many blessings along this journey by
providing me with beautiful friends who regularly came and visit me at home.
Bringing me meals, morning tea, and continually lifting my spirits, encouraging
and loving me. Throughout this journey my faith has been turbulent with bouts of
increased Faith and many episodes of doubt, anger and exhaustion. I wanted to
give up, it was just too hard. The hardest thing I found, which blocked my
blessings from God was my doubt in God's promise to provide. My relationship
with God was broken, I didn't trust Him anymore and I didn't believe He loved
me. How could He? He had let this happen. I knew logically that this was a lie
from the enemy, as this is how the devil wins. He comes to kill, steal and destroy
your relationship with God. I actively had to make a hourly, sometimes by the
minute choice to believe God, even though I didn't feel him or believe that God
would rescue me. I made a deliberate choice to fill my days with listening to
Christian music, the Hillsong channel, listening to prophetic teaching, searching
for God and the answers everywhere I looked. I was still able to attend bible
study once a week as it was at a friend's house, where I could lie down. This was
such a blessing to be surrounded by like minded friends who loved me. I started
to hear from God again. It was shear relief. My heart soared! I felt filled with the
Holy Spirit once again. I was able to still do God's work but it just looked different.
During the time 1 didn't feel God's presence were the darkest times for me. Life
without God felt like being locked in an enclosed room with no way out and the
absence of air to fill my lungs. I was in a coffin suffocating. "Be strong and
courageous, Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God
goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
Unfortunately, the good feelings only lasted when I was actively helping people
as I used to. But it wasn't in a physical, practical way; it was in an emotional
spiritual way. So I started relating my happiness once again to being connected
to actively helping people. I begged God to show me someone else to help, as I
needed to continue to feel I was doing something good. It was like a drug and
purpose without this. This was and still is a constant struggle for me. It wasn't
until I hit rock bottom again that I realised God was trying to teach me that He
loves me without good works. That I was needing to do this to be happy, this
wasn't what God wanted for me. I was so used to helping and serving others that
I thought that if I didn't do this anymore that somehow God didn't love me. I
needed to accept that my days of service in this area were gone and I needed to
find my Joy and Peace in God alone, knowing that I don't need to do anything,
literally nothing, for God to love me. Being content and happy even when I lie
down all day and achieve nothing. "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty
one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his
love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17
I enjoyed the days God gave me revelations. One day, when I couldn't get out of
bed because the pain prevented me from walking, I was pondering my identity, or
lack of. I realised in the stream of my tears that I was grieving the loss of my
identity. Who am I. I asked myself : Is my identity a disabled women with chronic
pain? Is my identity a mother and wife even when I can't do either job well
anymore? Then I realised, my identity had never changed! I was a child of God
and that will never change! What a powerful realisation. My earthly identity of
mother, wife, friend, servant of God may have changed but it hasn't changed my
God given identity and values which come from God. I have to choose to
continue to follow the values that I hold so close to m e a n d u s e them in a
different way. I once thought that acts of service were the most important way I
could show my love for others and when I was able to do that, it was. Now that I
can't do that anymore, my values have shifted to what I can manage and believe
people really want and need from me, and those being; gratefulness, spirituality,
love, kindness humour and time. Time being the most precious of the gifts, and I
have a lot of it now. Come to me Jesus says, and I will give you peace. I can now
say Come to me and through the grace of God I am here for you, to comfort and
love you. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you
rest." Matthew 11:28.
My God is SO BIG, SO STRONG and SO MIGHTY there's NOTHING My God
cannot do! THAT'S TRUE!!!!"
Our financial advisor, advised me to apply for my Total Permanent Disability
Insurance through my insurance. Since the application was lodged, 8 months
have passed and I have fought with fear, anxiety and doubt and had no faith that
I would have this claim approved. My policy was one of the hardest policies to
claim, as it was Home duties. I had to meet a very strict criteria of the inability not
to ever be able to return to work again in my chosen profession and then inability
to perform 4 Home duties. I learnt something priceless today. Why wait for
something you have been praying for before you write a testimony. Give your
testimony in the midst of adversity. I received a letter from my insurance
company today stating my claim is going to be denied unless I have further
information dispute the findings. Well, this is not in my control, but how I react
and move forward is. The true testimony in this is I am a child of God, that is my
identify and NOTHING AND NOBODY is controlling that!
"Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of any kind." James 1:2-4
We appealed the Procedural Fairness letter with the view of my insurance
company looking at declining my claim due to a very inaccurate Occupational
Therapist Home duties report. We had to wait a further 7 months to have another
OT assess me. It has consumed my every thought. I became paranoid, thinking I
was being followed. I was constantly talking and thinking about it, as the pay out
would change my quality of life. Instead of surrendering the process to God, I took
it on all by myself, causing myself increased anxiety, panic attacks, sleepless
nights and lots of tears."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah
29:11 (English Standard Version)
Throughout his time my son Patrick never wavered from God's promise of
increase, never!! Patrick would say, 'Mum don't worry God is and will provide for
you, he won't let you down.' He had no doubt at all. Patrick was my rock and my
strength through all of this. He keep me looking forward to a future that God had
for me. His faith reminded me of the faith I once had. It encouraged me and
inspired me everyday to take back what I had lost. 'fight the good fight of faith.' (1
Timothy 6:12 KJV) I was lonely without my God's presence in my life. Even
though I still felt him sometimes, I wasn't letting him completely into my life; just
in case He let me down. The fear of God letting me down crippled my thoughts.
Therefore, there was no room for God's truth. "But those who hope in the Lord will
renew their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles; they will run and not grow
weary, they will walk and not faint" - Isaiah 40:31l will make the most of this
moment li can still live a fruitful purpose filled life no matter what circumstance or
season I'm in. ( Timothy 11)
Nick Vinicius says in his book 'Life without Limits,' that finding your purpose is the
first important step to living a life without limits. Maintaining hope for the future
and faith in the possibilities even in difficult times will keep you moving towards
that goal'
Your attitude allows you to rise above your circumstances: the most powerful
being the attitude of gratitude, action, empathy and forgiveness.
Reading Nicks wise words gave me a massive revelation. I knew the words and
what they meant. Spoke about them, but I didn't really understand what God
meant them to mean. You see, I didn't feel happy unless I was helping others,
as this was the identity I had created for myself. God spoke very clearly to me
and said, " My child I don't need your help, I just want YOU!' He just wants me.
Wow! The truth is my identity is in God alone. What a moment for me! I have
finally been set free! I know I have so much more to learn and surrender and that
is exciting for me as I want to get to a place in my life that I need nothing but
Jesus. Even if you feel you have nothing left, stop for a second, close your eyes
and visualise God. He hasn't gone anywhere. You will see yourself sitting in his
lap, safe and sound with Him gazing adoringly into your eyes. You will always
have God, as nothing can separate you from his love, nothing!
God w a s giving me so many daily signs along the way, proving his love and
promise to m e Continually reminding me that His word w a s truth and that He was
going to turn things around for me and my family. Even with these constant love
reminders I still felt like I was wandering around that wretched desert. When was
I going to set myself free from this torturous existence without God; my Poppa. I
needed him. God was all I had. God was so patient with me and let me feel and
experience what I needed to, without any judgement or pressure. It has been a
long period of waiting, pruning, cleansing, so when the moment came I would be
ready to give my testimony of how our great God, who is ever present in our lives
blessed me and my family with the small, medium and big things in our lives.
Patrick witnessed to me on a regular basis, 'Don't worry mum God will provide!'
He was right, God did. We were financially barren, emotional empty, physically
disabled with chronic pain and God showed up. Through my doubt and fears God
was right there beside me in the form of my son Patrick, encouraging me,
speaking truth and covering me with his faith. Praise God!. "Don't let anyone
look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in
speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12 My fear
blocked my view. I was blinded to the truth that would set me free. I can now pin-
point when my attitude shifted. It was when I was having a conversation about
my deteriorating health and situation and the comment was, ' The devil is in
control of this world!' and I said, ' No he's not, God has already won the battle
and He has no place in my house or my family.' I have said this statement a
million times before, but when I said it this time it felt and sounded different, I
really believed it, I was saying NO!. That instant I felt an immediate shift in my
attitude, and decided to take my control back. Praise God. The devil had lost his
grip on me. The chains had been broken. "I have told you these things, so that
in Me you may have peace....take heart! I have overcome the world." (John
16:33 NIV)
My journey has taken many twists and turns; both positive and negative, but with
God at the helm of my journey, this travelled life has just begun. My eyes are
wide open to the extent of God's great BIG amazing love for me and all of us and
the true real power of His word has been gloriously shown. Al praise and glory to
you Poppa, my beautiful Daddy. You did it! I was not abandoned or forsaken, 1
was never alone in the locked room suffocating. You held me high with the
highest of them all, You. I am who you say I am, I am a child of God."Your are a
Child of God... You are wonderfully made, dearly loved, and precious in His
sight. Before God made you, He knew you there is no one else lie you." Psalm
139
If you are experiencing the same kind of doubt that I did, stop now and know it is
a lie from the enemy. The enemy doesn't want you or I to have a relationship with
God. God's word is the only word that speaks truth, He loves you more than you
can imagine and He will give you your hearts desire. I know this because I have
experienced His promise of provision, even in my cloud of fear and doubt. Don't
waver my brothers and sisters, let God be who you need Him to be in your lives
today. Surrender, let go of the controls. We aren't meant to be exhausted in our
battles. Our battle is to believe and let God win it for us. He is eagerly waiting for
you to come to Him so that He can heal you from the inside out and abundantly
bless you. Al you have to do is receive His free gift. Faith is having the courage
to let God have complete control and let God shine in your life. "Surrender your
heart to God, turn to Him in prayer, and give up your sins, even those you do in
secret Then you won't be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless." Job
When I look back at my life, I realise that God knew the plan he had for me. I
believe God gave me a gift of service and Motherhood. I am extremely grateful
that I was able to serve God in so many ways and help so many people in such a
short time. I was given the ability to be a stay- at- home Mum and raise my three
beautiful children and give them the best of me for 15 years. Knowing this, helps
me to trust that God knows my whole story, and that He has stored up these
t r e a s u r e s to b l e s s me.
I can confidently testify, that I know I won't be left curled up in ball of chronic
pain, having no purpose or Joy in my life. I realised I was never really crippled,
until I lost my hoped Fatih in God. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares
the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11 (English Standard Version)
Through my journey, I have been abundantly blessed in so many ways. One of
them being, the ability to spend quality time with my parents by myself to recover
and gain strength. This time with my parents has been priceless, I felt like I was a
teenager again. We laughed and cried, this was such precious, healing time
together, a true blessing from God in the midst of the storm. Knowing the true
meaning of friendship has also been one of my greatest joys. I feel like one of the
most blessed women in the world to have the friends I do. My friends have
constantly been by my side, holding my hand, wiping my tears, caring for me in
any way that I have needed, and I have never had to ask. They have held me up
when I couldn't stand, lay with me when I couldn't sit, feed me when I couldn't
eat, prayed with me when I couldn't pray. I am so grateful for my precious,
friendships. My steadfast, husband, who held our family together, never once
complained about our situation, worked tirelessly to make ends met and filled the
huge gap that was left due to my absence. My husband has been a visual
example of a Godly man for our children and to those who know and love him.
The larger community who have supported me through this journey, those being
my GP, Surgeon, psychologist and my Financial Advisor, family, who have all
seen the worst and best of me. Without all these people in my life, I would not be
here today. I hold my head up and praise our Heavenly Father. He may not give
us what we want, but He gives us what we need. "Seek first the kingdom of God
and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."Matthew 6:33
Looking from the inside out has shown me that we will never know what
someone may be going through. You may look great from the outside, say all the
right things, turn up, your Facebook post look amazing, but in the inside you are
screaming in pain. We are all disciples of God and we need to look further than
what we see. Let's dig deeper into relationship with each other and especially
make our Gracious Heavenly Father who see's everything our BFF.
God has not healed me physically. I am still in constant chronic pain and daily
have to set my compass straight at God, so that my heart and my attitude point in
the right direction. God has healed me spiritually, I have finally stopped walking
around the desert and now completely know and believe who i am. I will continue
to try and be strong and courageous, focusing only on God for my strength and
peace; Committing my life in believing that God has an amazing plan for my life
and yours
The one thing I am certain of is this; that I am a child of God. And boy you'd
better believe it, God takes that very seriously.
"Things never discovered or heard of before, things beyond our ability to imagine
- these are the many things God has in store for all his lovers." 1 Corinthians 2:9
(The Passion Translation)

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